The Sexy Knickers Scandal
by Atana
Summary: Severus Snape's friend Britomartis receives an anonymous love note via Owl Post. All hell breaks loose. A hilarious Snips and Spirals tale.


DISCLAIMER: I'm glad I'm no longer a teenager. It sucked rocks. Like this.  
  
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Snips and Spirals Fanfic:

"The Sexy-Knickers Scandal"

Text by Lady Tesser

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The letter arrived that morning by owl, landing right in front of Britomartis Vox, Second-Year and recently turned thirteen.  
  
"Who's it from, Spirals?" Severus Snape, Fourth-Year, asked.  
  
Martis turned it around in her hands. It was a common envelope and had her nickname of 'Spirals' written across it in indistinct basic script. "Don't know."  
  
Sev glanced at the envelope. "Block lettering, could be anyone then. Open it."  
  
She did so, unfolding the paper and reading it silently. "Great Mother!"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Read it." She snorted. "Seems I got an admirer!"  
  
Sev reached over and read the note:  
  
'Dear Sexy-Knickers,  
  
'You're the First I've noticed and it's driving me mad. Due to circumstances, I'm afraid I cannot do anything about it at this time, much as I wish I could. I shall dream of you until the time is right.  
  
Always, Your Servant'  
  
Sev crumpled the note and dropped it to the floor. "Ignore it, Spirals. It's probably a stupid joke by the Marauders."  
  
Martis tapped her fork tines thoughtfully against her plate. "'Sexy- Knickers'? Who starts a silly lovenote with the words 'Sexy-Knickers'?"  
  
Sev blushed up to his hairline, hiding behind his black hair. "That's why it's a joke."  
  
Behind him, Narcissa Black (Fifth-Year) picked up the crumpled paper, opened it, and read the contents. She gazed at the back of his head, raised an eyebrow, then folded the paper away and tucked it into her robe.  
  
It fell out of her robe sleeve as she passed Evan Ryper, Sixth-Year. He picked it up, read it, and stared after Narcissa's retreating form. He licked his lip, taking out a bottle of blue-liquid from his robes and focusing on the color to calm him down. After a moment, the bell for first classes rang and he got up, gathering his books.  
  
Madame Hooch was in a hurry and nearly tripped over him; the note left his hand and fell into the cuff of her boot. It was not until she was halfway to class before she noticed a paper sticking out of her boot. Reading it, she recalled young Mister Ryper had the paper in hand when she ran into him.  
  
Smirking to herself, she wrote back a response: 'Too young for my tastes, but I'll give you ten years, Mr. Ryper. You know where to find me when you're ready for my advanced 'training'. - Rolanda Hooch'  
  
She sent her own note off to Slytherin Tower, the original note forgotten in the hall and picked up by another student.  
  
----------  
  
The note managed to be passed around seven classes that morning, everyone reading it, dropping it, picking it up, reading it again.  
  
It became the talk of the school. Jealousies popping up. Fears rising high. Jealousy and fear attacking at once as students and teachers alike misconstrued both contents and whom it was from.  
  
At one point, during break between classes, Evan tried to give flowers to Narcissa.  
  
Narcissa almost succeeded in kicking him in the teeth. He was taken to Nurse Pomfrey for a split lip in the end.  
  
----------  
  
By lunch time, it seemed half the student body and one-third of the teaching staff had been in contact with the 'Sexy-Knickers' note, and there were flirtatious stares mixed in with glares and looks of worry all over the Great Hall.  
  
Lily Evans was shocked to see James Potter handing the note to Peter Pettigrew, who in turn gave it to Sirius Black. Sirius called Pettigrew a 'twisted pooftah' while Lily believed it was James who meant it for him.  
  
Sev and Martis were discussing Quidditch fouls when Narcissa suddenly sat next to Sev and proclaimed, "Well, Snape, you're not exactly my type, but I'll grant you with a chance to find out."  
  
"I beg your pardon, Miss Black?" he asked politely.  
  
Narcissa leaned close, her chin resting on his shoulder with her lips close to his ear. One hand drew up his chest, playing with the knot of his tie as she breathed softly into his ear.  
  
Sev felt his senses blank out as his pulse pounded in his head, draining the blood from his limbs.  
  
Martis twisted the head of her fork with her thumb.  
  
Narcissa breathed softly, "I'm sure you could use all the experience you can get - "  
  
"SPIRALS!" Sev shouted. "THERE'S A CREEPY INBRED SKANK MOLESTING ME!"  
  
"I was wondering where her other hand was!" Martis yelled as she leapt across the table at Narcissa. "DIE, YOU TONSIL-SUCKING FREAK!"  
  
The whole of Slytherin table broke out into a riot as it quickly divided into Vox vs. Black camps, with Martis tackling Narcissa arse-over-teakettle onto the stone floor.  
  
"You stuck-up bitch - you aren't allowed to defile my Snips!"  
  
"He's the one who called me 'Sexy-Knickers', little girl!"  
  
Sev tried to hide under the table.  
  
Penderdandis was already up, trying to find out what the hell happened. "Miss Vox! Miss Black! Stop this at once!"  
  
The rest of the students were standing on benches and tables to see the 'Cat Fight to End All Cat Fights' going on at Slytherin's tables.  
  
McGonagall got up and made her way over to the fight, drawing her wand. "DIVERGIUS!"  
  
Martis and Narcissa were violently separated to opposite ends of the aisle between the Slytherin and Ravenclaw tables. Sev poked his head up.  
  
"What do you two think you are doing?" McGonagall barked. "Fighting like animals in the middle of a meal and upsetting the whole hall!"  
  
"Professor McGonagall, allow me," Penderdandis stated. He turned to the two girls.  
  
Before he could say anything, someone handed him a note. He read it and glared at Professor Sinistra. "Now is not the time!"  
  
She slapped his head. "Idiot! Look at what it says - at least I was paying attention to what was being said!"  
  
McGonagall leaned over to read it, then her eyes widened. She snatched it out of his hand. "I'll take this to the Headmaster."  
  
Her robes swished as she walked back to the head table. Penderdandis continued to glare at his charges. "You two - in my office - ten minutes. And you, too, Mr. Snape."  
  
He turned back and waved his hand, indicating everyone to go back to what they were doing.  
  
On the other side of the room, the Marauders' heads were bent close.  
  
"Did you SEE that?" Pettigrew crowed. "That was bloody brilliant!"  
  
"Deranged," Black snorted. "My cousin would never tangle in a fight with Snake-Bitch. And especially not over that greasy git."  
  
Potter sighed. "I wish Lily Evans would fight over me like that!"  
  
"Only in your dreams, Prongs," Pettigrew giggled. "She's way out of your league."  
  
Remus Lupin, looking paler than usual, said nothing, and tried to finish eating his lunch.  
  
----------  
  
Minerva McGonagall handed the 'Sexy-Knickers' note over to Albus Dumbledore as they bent their heads close at the head table. He read it, then raised an eyebrow. "Now, Minerva, you must know I don't wear knickers."  
  
"It isn't from me, you senile old fool! It was handed to the staff in connection with the fight at the Slytherin table."  
  
"Too bad," he murmured, looking over the note. "I would have asked you to join me in my London home the next time I visited south."  
  
McGonagall blushed, trying to hide it with a cough. "If you had asked that thirty years ago, Albus, I would have jumped at the chance." She pointed at the note. "From what I gathered by conversations around the room, this note has been making the rounds of half the school and causing a violent disruption. Anyone who picks it up thinks it's from someone within the vicinity and chaos ensues. The AHP System will probably have to be extended all over the school until this thing dies down."  
  
Dumbledore peered at the ink, sniffed it, then nodded. "I think I know what the problem is. I wish to speak with one of the students in your house, Minerva."  
  
"Whom?"  
  
----------  
  
"You didn't write the note?" Penderdandis asked Sev.  
  
"No, sir. I don't even like looking at Miss Black, much less anything else."  
  
"Then who did?" Narcissa snapped.  
  
Sev pointed at Martis. "Spirals got it this morning by owl."  
  
Penderdandis turned to her and she nodded. "It arrived by owl this morning, no name or return address. Snips and I thought it was a joke, so we crumpled it and tossed it."  
  
"And I picked it up," Narcissa added. "And read it. I thought it was from Snape."  
  
Martis narrowed her eyes. "So, anybody who sends you propositions are given a chance to ride your broom?"  
  
Narcissa raised her nose in the air. "I'll ignore that ancient, uncouth euphemism from a lowly creature like you."  
  
Sev merely blushed and tapped his foot against Martis' ankle to warn her to behave. "We don't know who wrote it, sir."  
  
Penderdandis had his suspicions, but he knew what Snape's handwriting looked like. "That still doesn't excuse the fact you silly girls were fighting like low-class trash in the middle of the Great Hall. Five points off each, Misses Vox and Black, much as I hate to do it, plus detention. Mr. Snape, you may go since this time - for some bizarre reason which totally escapes me - you seem to be an innocent bystander."  
  
"Thank-you, sir."  
  
Sev left the office and Penderdandis stared down at the two girls. "I think I'll have you both help Professor Sartoris in the dungeons with his potion stores. He needs help organizing the lot. Dismissed."  
  
Narcissa snorted, muttering about 'servant's work', as she and Martis left the office.  
  
Sev joined Martis and asked, "You all right?"  
  
"Just have to do detention with Sartoris is all." She pushed her sunglasses up. "Nasty-issa fights like a sissy. My two-year-old nieces can fight better. She didn't even think of pulling my hair."  
  
Sev chuckled. "I wonder who originally sent that note?"  
  
She shrugged. "Don't know, don't care. Hope it bites them in the ass, though." She watched as Prefect Evan Ryper danced around the room. "What's with Evan?"  
  
Sev shrugged. "No idea. He read some letter he got, then he started dancing and singing some Muggle song about someone named Mrs. Robinson."  
  
Martis opened her mouth to say something, then decided not to. It was none of their business. And it would embarrass Sev.  
  
----------  
  
That evening, the Headmaster stood up from his chair after everyone settled into the Great Hall and he waited for the conversations to die down.  
  
Silence at last, he spoke:  
  
"The note that had caused such chaos today has been destroyed. All assumptions, attempts, and jealousies are null and void. It was meant to be sent to one particular individual from another particular individual, and nothing more. The reason it got so out-of-hand was due to the fact that it was been written in ink made from the venom of the Mackled Malaclaw, which causes bad luck -- the bad luck being the recipient ignoring the note and the note itself being handed around and causing such trouble. This ink - a failed experiment by a former student named Weasley - has been found and destroyed as well. I have spoken with the writer of the note, and we have come to an understanding. From this point on, there should be no more notes addressed to 'Sexy-Knickers'."  
  
The hall echoed with teenagers trying to laugh politely, although a few chortled disgracefully.  
  
Smiling, Dumbledore raised his hands. "Without further ado, dinner and drink."  
  
The evening meal appeared and students helped themselves to the comforts of beef casserole and ham and veal pie as they discussed what happened and with whom. Apologies were accepted, misunderstandings cleared up, and friends became friends once again. Although a select few still stole implied glances across the tables, smiling shyly.  
  
"Where's Moony?" someone asked at the Gryffindor tables.  
  
Potter swallowed before replying, "Aw, he's not feeling well."  
  
"Again?"  
  
"Yep." He leaned close to Black and Pettigrew. "After all, it is that time."  
  
Both nodded, digging into their food.  
  
Across the room, Martis was feeling disgusted. "Who the bloody hell would send it to me?" she murmured to Sev.  
  
He looked at her. "You've got to be kidding."  
  
"What do you mean by that?"  
  
Sev gazed at her. "You are so thick. You wonder why there's so many people watching Quidditch practice?"  
  
"They like Quidditch."  
  
"You really are thick."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He lowered his face and continued eating.  
  
"Snips!"  
  
"Good mashed turnip tonight."  
  
"Snips!" She reached across the table and poked his chest. "Bother."  
  
Not looking up, he poked her shoulder. "Bother."  
  
"Bother."  
  
"Bother."  
  
"Bother-tell-me-what-you-mean."  
  
"Bother-no."  
  
"Bother-you're-mean."  
  
"Bother-yes."  
  
"Bother-please-please-please."  
  
"Bother-no."  
  
Lucius Malfoy finally yelled, "CUT THAT OUT!"  
  
"Sit on it, Lucy," Martis replied. "Snips can poke me as much as he wants."  
  
"Precisely," Sev agreed, not getting the reference. "So shut your hole."  
  
Lucius responded with so much choking, vocal stumblings, and incomprehensible mutterings that they decided to tune him out.  
  
Martis sighed. "All right, don't tell me. Are we going to work on the Baby tonight, then?"  
  
Lucius turned to Sev and grabbed the front of his robe. "YOU CAN'T TELL ME I HAVE A DIRTY MIND THIS TIME!"  
  
Perfectly synchronized, Sev and Martis said, "You have a dirty mind."  
  
Lucius growled in disgust, leaving that part of the table.  
  
Martis went back to her own dinner. "Poor Lucy - should we tell him the Baby is our Ultimate Prank?"  
  
Sev shook his head. "No." He looked up and smirked. "Sexy-Knickers."  
  
She raspberried him. "Don't say it until you mean it, Snips."  
  
He blushed. "Good mashed turnip tonight."  
  
She raspberried him again.  
  
-End-


End file.
